Where was I? Oh smoking hot soldiers...
Well its a long story and best saved for another day. Long story short, from that moment we were inseparable. We went absolutely crazy, partied, got into trouble, total irresponsible morons. He came home on R&R some months later, was brutally attacked thus ending his military career. It put our relationship through hell. He had a hard time coming to terms with that loss. He pushed me away even as I tried to comfort him, but I don't take rejection well at all. So we tit-for-tatted until we both just through our hands up in the air. I was angry and devastated and married the first person I could find. I showed him... NOT.
Worse and most dangerous mistake I ever made. I married a predator. I spent 5 years fighting that jerks emotional and mental abuse, only to find out something far worse had been taking place. I have a hard time dealing with that... and its not something I can talk about. Let's just say even though I was never in love with him, I did care about him and we were better friends, so when I found out about his betrayal I was shocked, devastated, just broken. I felt like a fool. I had brought hurt and near destruction down upon my children and myself all because I was hurting and thought I needed someone. (Ladies out there, if this rings true with you, don't buy into that crap. Yes being loved is wonderful but you really need to get to know who you bring home... investigate and sometimes that's not even enough. Bottom line, abuse is not love. You don't feel loved do you? Didn't think so... you can feel that way without the torture and hurt. **steps off soap box** this has been your public service announcement for the day)
Over those 5 years that I was married to someone else, I'd get phone calls or instant messages from my soldier boy, who was now vet boy. He'd check in and see how the kids and I were doing. I'd pretend everything was okay and that he was annoying me some of the time. I couldn't help but feel the deep love I had for him, it just wouldn't die damnit, no matter how hard I tried to kill it. He came around once a couple years back and I knew then I couldn't let that happen again. The chemistry and bond we share is too strong for me to resist. So I said mean things and that I never wanted to see him again. I couldn't let my heart be known.
So one fine day in January of 2010, the bottom dropped out. I found out terrible things about jerk husband. He was a pervert, an evil, manipulating, lying pervert. I forced him out of my house and then fell into what can only be discribed as the blackest hole of self-hatred, hurt, and dispair. I was broken. That very same week vet boy morphed into my hero once again. He stayed with me and played our protector and helped us all begin to heal.
I saw so many changes in him, he had healed from his anger and self-destruction. He was still the same person just upgraded. I felt myself falling for him again, those feelings threatning to burst back through by vault I had sealed them in. I couldn't let that happen, just look at what I had come out of. Look at all the relationships before that. My heart just couldn't be trusted and so I didn't. I would flit in and out of a relationship with him and as soon as I felt like I was losing control, I'd fight him off and push him away. Do something awful, say something mean. I tried and tried to run him off, but he never left, he never gave up. He waited with patience and understanding. He built back up my trust in myself and others. Helped me believe in love again. I saw that he wouldn't abandon me and with that the flood gates opened and all those years of love that had been tucked away in my heart came rushing out.
He found us a place to live and shortly there after proposed to me. On February 13th we married and I've never felt so safe and loved. We still have to work through things, my past has thrown many obstacles in our way. Together we deal with them. He's my best friend, my hero, everything I have ever needed. Its a real fairy tale love story and this is just the beginning.
I don't know why I tell you all this. It might help make sense of future ramblings or I thought getting to know my history might give explanation to the insanity that sometimes flows from my brain. Whatever the reason, now you know and knowing is have the battle... I think. I promise we'll be back to your regularly scheduled biker wife ramblings asap.
Here's to YOUR Happily Ever After,
Ash
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